Sex, Love and Oxytocin: A Real Love Story
March 17, 2008
I've been corresponding with a man who totally understands the oxytocin bond, and has very powerful ideas about the male/female, sex/love dichotomy. He has kindly allowed me to publish his story. Warning: You may, like me, be jealous of his marriage. -- Susan
Intrigued
by research results of oxytocin, and the need to help repair a damaged
relationship with my wife, I decided to try using oxytocin. I was especially interested in oxytocin when
I saw it described as a “bonding” hormone – that really resonated with me. And, it resonated with me because my wife and
I have been working on re-bonding for about a year now . . . .
During many counseling sessions and private talks while we worked on our marriage, I told my wife that something special happened to me when we had sex. It went past the physical pleasure, way past it. During and after sex, I felt a recharge, a recharge of energy, of confidence, and a major recharge of my feelings of love and care toward her. I also felt that she loved me at those times. I was more productive, more creative at work. The world seemed brighter and more welcoming.
The
recharge feelings were very strong and would persist for days, then start to slowly
dissipate a week or so later. By two or
three weeks, those feelings were low - a recharge was needed. Over the years, I have wondered, why these
ups and downs ? If I love my wife, why
does my interest in her drop low sometimes ? Do I really love her ? Am I
oversexed ? Is something wrong with me ?
Now
to my experiment. Since we had been
actively engaged in repairing our relationship, when I learned about oxytocin,
I wanted to try it to see if it would have an effect on my wife and I. I was looking for ways to help bring us
closer, to help us bond, help us rekindle our love feelings for each
other. And, oxytocin looked like just
what we needed !
I
bought some Liquid Trust, which, as you know, claims to have Oxytocin in it - not
sure how much - manufacturer says potency is a trade secret. Anyway, it’s
a spray to be used on your body or clothing. Instructions say it is
odorless and lasts between 2 and 4 hours. Instructions say to use it
"whenever you want more trust in the people around you, and when you want
more passion".
I first tried it on a Friday morning, applying 2 spays on my shirt before I went to work. Interestingly, as soon as I sprayed it on, I immediately smelled it, quite strongly, which surprised me as it was supposed to be "odorless". All morning I felt like “something” was happening, but saw no real evidence of it. I work mostly alone, so its affect on others around me that morning were not observable. I could not tell if I thought something was happening simply because I hoped it would. One thing I was sure of – I could smell this odorless spray. This persisted all morning.
My wife and I had a counseling session at noon that day and before I left for it, I re-applied the spray as it had been over 4 hours since the first application. I am normally a bit anxious before these sessions as there have been some sessions where issues were raised that caused a lot of tension. I felt a bit anxious as the session started, but that soon dissipated. When I saw my wife at the beginning of the session, she appeared extra radiant and beautiful. She was in good spirits and no big, heavy issues came up in counseling. By the time the hour was up, I was mesmerized by her - I couldn't stop looking at her and admiring her glow and beauty. Even though I had an important meeting at 1:00, I blew that off and we went to lunch.
Lunch was extra delightful. At the restaurant, I found myself noticing others more and striking up conversations with people spontaneously. I found myself smiling at others and them noticing and smiling back - more than usual. While we were eating, my wife was talking but I was soaking her in - her smile, her laugh, her hair - all were extraordinarily glowing and wonderful. I was smitten big time. Everything she said was interesting. I could hardly remember to eat my lunch. She was the most beautiful, engaging, sensual woman I had ever seen.
After lunch we walked out into the parking lot, I turned to her, held her hands, looked into her eyes and told her that I loved her, would always be with her, and I was coming home early to be with her - and I was 1000 % sincere in my feelings and comments. Her eyes lit up and she was delighted. We parted ways - I had to go wrap up things at work and get home !
When
we re-joined at home, the afternoon was delightful. The mood was light
and happy. We discussed what we would do for the rest of the day and
she suggested we plan to go to bed early (her code for sex). The evening
was very nice and early bedtime was very good as well. Sex was very nice; it wasn’t astronomical, it
wasn’t earth-shaking beyond description, but it was very nice for both of us.
Subsequent
uses of the spray have resulted in some similar results, but none as strong as
that day. Which makes me wonder how much
of the effect was placebo. I decided
long ago that whether a perceived benefit is due to the treatment/drug/therapy
or is simply a placebo effect, if it delivers the beneficial effect, that’s
great – I’ll take it.
Back
to my wife’s view of my placing such importance on sex. She has recently told me and our counselor
that she has a new understanding of what sex means to me, and what I derive from
it. She said in almost 30 years of
marriage, she never realized how strongly I was affected by it (positively) and
how I was affected without it (negatively). From that point on, our sex life was elevated in priority in our lives,
much to my delight as you can imagine. And, this was entirely her idea.
My
experiment and what it means. My view is
this: I doubt the spray has enough
oxytocin in it to elicit the type responses I felt that day (this is only a
guess on my part). But, maybe there was
a boomerang placebo effect: because I wanted it to work, when I got into
oxytocin-friendly situations (pleasant lunch with my wife, feeling good
progress made in counseling), then maybe that led to oxytocin
release. Regardless of the cause and
effect mechanics, it was a striking, profound experience that I attribute at least
partially to the oxytocin spray.
Side
note. Since learning abut oxytocin, I
realized a new meaning (new for me, anyway) to the term, “making love”. Previously, I viewed it as a polite way of
referring to sex. But, after
understanding a little about how oxytocin works, I now realize that when two
people have sex, they are indeed “making love”, creating the feelings of love
and bonding that most people would call love. It took 57 years for me to understand this.
I have exposed her to the research materials and she is also fascinated by the subject. She has related to me how and when she knows oxytocin has been released in her - many of her triggers are like mine, and some are quite different. I am so glad I was pointed to people researching oxytocin - like yourself – and that now I understand what was happening to me all these years. Learning about oxytocin has been a big plus for me and my wife.