Hug the Monkey

Chip August's Sex, Love & Intimacy Podcast

Charles August, or Chip for short, has done 90 podcasts covering all aspects of sex and love for Personal Life Media (a company founded by internet wundergrrrl Susan Bratton). Chip co-facilitates, with his life-partner, a relationship workshop for couples called Passionate Relationships. Chip is also a certified Instructor of PET (Parent Effectiveness Training) leading adult education workshops to teach listening, conflict resolution and communication skills to parents.

I was honored to be Chip's 90th guest recently.

We talked about how the way we're mothered influences the way we love as adults, and how that plays out in our relationships throughout life.

You can listen to the podcast via iTunes or here on Personal Life Media. If you're an old-fashioned readerly type like me, you can also read the transcript when you click on that link.

Thanks, Chip!

Michael Gurian and "The Purpose of Boys"

I am a huge fan of Michael Gurian, a psychotherapist and author whose life's work is helping society understand how to raise children to be secure, happy and fulfilled. His special focus is boys, and how our culture doesn't support them in their development.

I have been very guilty in the past of being angry at men because they're not more like women. As I learned about the differences in the brains and neurochemistries of men and women as I wrote The Chemistry of Connection, I realized that it's neither fair to expect this nor possible for men to relate in the same way that women do.

Gurian has terrific ideas for ways that parents and society can help boys find ways to live honorable lives that harness their strengths. His latest book, The Purpose of Boys, is designed to help parents give boys what they need to thrive.

USA Today interviewed Gurian about the book, and it's well worth reading.

Take the Passion Poll

Passion coach Eryn-Faye has posted three polls on her blog.

How often do you go on a date with your spouse?

How often do you and your SO talk about sex?

Who initiates sex more often?

All good questions anyone in a relationship should be thinking about. Go to Eryn-Faye's blog and take the passion poll, then see how other people answered.

I think my basic answer is "not often enough."

Dating 3 to Avoid the Oxytocin Trap

Interesting story on MSNBC from relationship expert and psychologist Diana Kirschner on how to find love by not getting hung up on the wrong man. Always be dating three men at a time.

On this dating program, you avoid that pressured decision and its aftermath: a Flame-Out that usually kills the relationship. Instead you date three men at the same time without having sex with any of them. By not seeing any one man too often, you find the men who are really into you and who will stay the course. Plus, you break out of your prison of Deadly Dating Patterns and maneuver more skillfully in the dating world.

This great advice can keep a woman from getting caught in the oxytocin trap. Sex, kissing, even close physical proximity can cause a woman's brain to release oxytocin, making her feel bonded to someone she doesn't even know well enough.

Oxytocin Helps a Guy Ejaculate

One guy, okay? But this study points to still another potential therapeutic use for oxytocin, which sure seems like some kinda wonder drug.

A test published in April 2008)  at Cedars Sinai examined whether inhaling oxytocin would help a male patient who couldn't orgasm. The docs had ruled out medical conditions, drugs and  "psychological issues" as the cause of his inability to  ejaculate.  Yes, it did. He was able to ejaculate.

Why this worked is unclear from the abstract. My speculations:

Oxytocin relieves anxiety, and maybe this man had become so anxious about orgasm that he couldn't do it. (Although the researchers ruled out psychological issues, and I assume anxiety would classify.)

Oxytocin is responsible for erection and ejaculation (along with other chemicals). And a review of animal studies opined that the reason that SSRIs lower sexual desire and function could be because they decrease the sensitivity of oxytocin receptors. If this patient's oxytocin receptors had reduced sensitivity for some reason, the extra jolt of oxytocin could have been what was needed.

Coverage in Men's Health UK

I was quoted in a fun story in the September 2008 UK edition of Men's Health.

The lead to the article, Test Tube Babe, says, "Getting the girl is all about managing body chemistry. Here's how to engineer all the right reactions."

My quote is on the second page. Unfortunately, I was still using the old book title. But I'm honored to be in the magazine!

Oxytocin: The Cabaret Show

I am not kidding: http://www.oregonlive.com/performance/index.ssf/2008/11/brain_chemistry_for_lovers_inn.html

Does Cybersex Produce Oxytocin?

Web Pro News pointed to an article in the Sydney Morning Herald reporting on a study which found that high levels of anxiety and depression among men who frequented sexy sites online. Study author Marcus Squirrell, a doctoral student at Swinburne University of Technology in Melbourne.

According to the newspaper article,

"We found that 27 per cent of them were moderate to severely depressed on the standard depression scales," Mr. Squirrell said.

"Thirty per cent had high levels of anxiety and 35 per cent were moderately to severely stressed, which is of course extremely high."

The more heavily they engaged in online sexual activity the higher their level of depression and anxiety was, he said.

Jason Lee Miller of Web Pro News raises two interesting questions: First, does cybersex cause depression or are heavy indulgers already depressed and trying to relieve their anxiety or depression? Second,

Something else simulated or cybersex lacks, which deserves more study as to the effect on depression and anxiety, is the release of oxytocin, a hormone released during labor, but also is generated by physical touch as a bonding chemical between mothers and infants during breastfeeding, and also between lovers. 

Actually, it looks like masturbation causes the same oxytocin release as does partner sex, according to a 1999 study.

See my comment on Jason's post for more.

10 Good Reasons to Have Sex

This article by Jessie Whitfield in the College Times is funny -- and based on science. She gives 10 excuses to have sex, and most of them relate to oxytocin, nature's wonder drug.

Too sleepy, they say? Too stressed? Too sick? Too sluggish? Screw that nonsense and use some of the below sayings to show them why screwing makes everything so much better.

Now, read the rest!

Oxytocin Becomes Part of Sex Ed

A pamphlet designed to give young women information about sex includes a discussion of how oxytocin's bonding effects can have unforeseen consequences, according to LifeSiteNews.

Miriam Grossman, a psychiatrist at UCLA, got attention, not all of it positive, for her recent bookUnprotected: A Campus Psychiatrist Reveals How Political Correctness Endangers Every Student. While she was criticized for being anti-sex or promoting double standards, I think it's crucial that men and women both understand the neurochemical differences between the sexes when they have sex.

The LifeSiteNews article says:

It discusses in familiar words the effects of oxytocin, a hormone released by intimate behavior, on one's ability to make clear choices and on the long term consequences of the choices one makes: "Because of it [oxytocin], you could develop feelings for a guy whose last intention is to bond with you. You might think of him all day, but he can't remember your name."

This certainly happened to me, over and over. It was intensely painful and damaging. And I don't think this pain and loss should be seen as just a natural part of growing up and dating.