Hug Your Monkey Even If You Don't Want Sex

I thought this was a good column from the Times Online: Touching Shouldn't Always Mean Sex.

Relationship expert Pam Spurr points out how hard it can be for male/female couples to send and understand signals about touching. Sometimes, you don't want sex, but you need to be touched and held. She points out:

When our skin is touched, our bodies produce various responses including producing oxytocin, the emotional bonding hormone. This makes us feel good around our loved one. That heart-warming feeling means that we want more of their company. And so the cycle goes on bonding us together.

Interesting that most of the comments are very hostile. I agree it's a bit of a stereotype that he wants sex, she wants to cuddle, but certainly mismatches in how much sex people want are not uncommon.

Comments

[Midyear dave]

Being male, I am biased but I feel there is a huge amount of anti-male sentiment in women's magazines and on TV. I recently saw a Cosmopolitan cover screaming the teaser: "How often does he do it by himself ? - You will be Shocked !" Curious, I bought the magazine and read the article. It said that some men feel the need for sexual release once or twice a week, and if they have no partner, will do it by themselves. And, the tone was that this was unbelievable, and even disgusting - hence the word, "shocking". Men wanting sex once or twice a week ? Unbelievable ? Not to men.

Pay attention to ads on TV and you will notice a large number of them portray couples where the man is a bumbling idiot and the woman is smart and in control, or she is outright mocking him. That tone in our culture does not endear men to strive to meet women's needs.

Back to touching. I am all for non-sexual touching - I work at providing it for my wife - she values it highly. I wish she would reciprocate, but she almost never does even after I ask her to. I have realized that isn't gonna happen like I would like it to, so my choice is to have a fit over it, or accept it. It is my decision - and yours - to either accept a partner's behavior and adapt, or seek a new partner.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

Well, your marriage certainly explodes the stereotype.

I agree with you that there is a lot of hostility toward men in women's magazines, although I did not see the Cosmo article you mention. Actually, I don't usually read women's magazines, but I'm sure there is. It's a different kind of hostility from that in many men's magazines, many of which depersonalize women.

I think Men's Health does a great job of trying to explain women to men in a healthy, non-hostile way.

[Phil]

I have observed a prevailing belief that the only reason to have sex is to procreate/perpetuation of 'our' species. The expression of love-making purely for pleasure and bonding seems to be a rare breed.

Discussing birth control methods can be hostile, the slant mainly the 'female's' responsibility, and some women get a bit, umm, bizarre while on the pill. I find it astounding that they still haven't created a pill for men. There is one currently being tested at 90% effectiveness, but thats 'not good enough'.

They do have kits that measure the LH, Early Pregnancy Test for those who do want to have a baby. Funny their are not more people using them as a means to NOT have a baby.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

I think one of the excellent things to come out of oxytocin research is the understanding of how sex creates and maintains the bond between couples. I see this meme showing up more and more in articles.

Re birth control for men, the conventional wisdom is that men won't use it. Pharm companies probably perceive it as a much smaller market.

[Renee]

I've used natural family planning (observation of cervical mucus) to avoid pregnancy to space children. When I moved away from contraception to natural family planning, it is an odd sensation because technically we weren't using anything. But when you think about it, if contraception is going to fail it is going to fail in your fertile phase of your cycle. Avoid the fertile phase, you're safe.

[JohnR]

I have to concur with Midyear Dave, Watch the ads. on TV and I see at least 75% of them are put downs on men.

John