The Virginity Dilemma

Kaya at Afropologe riffs on a recent New York Times magazine article on True Love Revolution.

True Love Revolution is self-described as a "on-sectarian student-run organization at Harvard College dedicated to the promotion of premarital sexual abstinence. We strive to present another option to our peers regarding sex-related issues, endorsing ideas of abstinence and chastity as a positive alternative for ethical and health reasons. "

According to the NYT, the club's ideas include:

... the belief that “ ‘safe sex’ is not safe”; that even the most effective methods of birth control can fail; that early sexual activity is strongly associated with all manner of terrible outcomes, from increased risk of depression to greater likelihood of marital infidelity, divorce and maternal poverty. Premarital abstinence, on the other hand, is held up by True Love Revolution as improving health, promoting better relationships and, best of all, enabling “better sex in your future marriage.”

I think the current leader of the organization makes an important point:

Conventional feminism, she explained, teaches that control of your body means the freedom to have sex without consequences — sex like a man. “I am an unconventional feminist,” Fredell said, in the sense that she asserts control by choosing not to have sex — by telling men, no, absolutely not.

I was very involved in feminist culture in the 70s, and we did sometimes lose sight of the idea that freedom of choice includes choosing not to do what others are doing.

Kaya takes issue with one student's comments about wanting to abstain from sex with her boyfriend so she won't become too bonded and then hurt if they break up.

I think this may be an oversimplification -- and so may True Love Revolution's concepts, and/or the article's -- but she is very funny and her post is worth a read. She helps define the contradictions and confusion we all face in our ultra-modern society.

BTW, the folks at Afropologe have a no-quoting policy for their blog, which seems awfully weird and unbloggy, but whatever. 

Comments

[Renee]

It is so important to understand what is exactly going on with our bodies in relationships, so we can express why something doesn't feel good when we want to say no.

I have a friend getting married, and of course there is talk floating around that her fiance will have a stripper. This made her uncomfortable, but she didn't know how to approach the subject without being a being a prude. They're a real sweet couple in which the groom really does care about the bride's feelings, and the ability for her to point our that sex makes two people feel bonded, and that having stripper even as a an innocent gag mocks the whole reason for a wedding ceremony and all the effort in its celebration about their sexuality together as a joke. With the wedding so soon she might not have any control in the end if her future brother-in-law ends up hiring a stripper. She did though explain to her future husband clearly that there are better ways of spending time bonding with the guys then watching a woman strip. I think most men would rather go out to a sporting event, play golf, or engage in a day of paintball.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

I agree. And we're often not encouraged to think about why feel feel a certain way; we're more likely to be encouraged to deny our feelings. "Of course, you love your uncle! Don't be silly."

[midyeardave]

The comment, "I think most men would rather go out to a sporting event, play golf, or engage in a day of paintball . . than watch a woman strip" is interesting. You've got to remember that men spend a lot of time thinking about sex - it's a DNA thing, it's wired in. I'm not so sure that most men would agree with Renee. Susan, I think an On the Street Survey is in order: what would we get if 100 men at random were stopped on the street and asked,, "If you could choose, what would you rather do tomorrow - play golf or watch a professional stripper take her clothes off ?"

That said, I do agree that Batchelor parties with strippers is not a good idea. These parties can get carried away and "things" can and do happen there. If a man has committed to a woman, parties with strippers is probaby not a good idea for either of them.

[Renee]

I can understand that men think about sex more then women, but also when they are suppose to be bonding in fraternal companionship? That was the question myself and my girlfriends had, how can a man be sexually stimulated by a stripper or porn when there are other men (especially friends/family/future in-laws) around?

If my husband all of sudden became intensely physically romantic in front of others, as in public display of affection, I would back off and my friends would be offended. There is a lot of meaning to the saying 'get a room'.

[Neurofreak]

I've got some input to add. First of all, the whole staying a virgin until marriage thing is not realistic or in touch with our basic biological nature. I was raised with this fundamentalist Christian attitude, and I can say it negatively impacted me, filled me with a lot of confusion, and I saw it leave others a lot more confused.

You shouldn't have to feel guilty for having sexual desire for your girlfriend/boyfriend etc.

A few other side notes:
Pursuit of women can be just as bonding, and perhaps more so, than any other sport. I don't agree with golf etc. being equatable in any fashion at all. I personally have a large body of friends that go out 2-3 times a week to hit on women. Usually in small groups.

Marriage, I think, represents a certain ideal that I doubt realistically exists. If your friend is upset about the stripper then it's her responsibility to know what she expects out of a mate, and be open and honest with him.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

I don't think TLR advocates feeling guilty about having sexual feelings; my impression is that they advocate not acting on them -- at least not all the way. I'm certainly not endorsing them. But, in my own experience during the wild 70s, it's difficult for many women to have sex and remain emotionally uninvolved. If you have sex first and get to know the person later, you can end up feeling really attached to someone who's bad to you.

I think you do raise a very interesting point about mate-seeking being a form of male bonding. Michael Gurian, the guru of the healthy male psyche, probably would agree. He says that males bond through physical activity, danger and competition, all important skills in hunting-gathering times. I don't remember reading anything in his books on mate-seeking, aka watching strippers, but it might be in there.

re marriage, I'd agree that it's unrealistic to expect your mate to not be interested in and attracted to other people.

[Renee]

Well... I think it could be realistic, if people married earlier was acceptable.

I've been married for close to eight years with baby #4 on the way, being married in my early 20s. So I understand being still in the bar scene how far off marriage may look like. For a good marriage, you have to be aware of your surroundings and understand that others are using sex to distract yourself from using it to express a more meaningful relationship. You can't constantly be putting yourself in temptation. It isn't about repressing sexuality, but reminding oneself to focused one's sexuality out of love of one's spouse, so when you are at the check out line at the pharmacy and a man sees the cover of SI swim suit edition, it just marketing taking advantage of an impulse.

While we first have some sort of sexual feeling before we can move onto even suggesting having a relationship with someone, but we can't distort those sexual feelings either to something that isn't there. We need to keep our actions in check and be conscientious of what the power of sexuality can do, so as a woman we won't hurt ourselves feeling emotionally involved with a man, while the man can potentially hurt us when has no feelings for her.

Rather then seeing things as Dos and Don'ts, and completely throw away concepts of morality, if we saw morality rather in terms of tools to judge a particular situation integrating scientific knowledge with ethics makes more sense.