Sex, Orgasm, Bonding and the Marital Blahs

Commenting on my post about how getting together with friends can provide a nice oxytocin boost that makes a woman happier in her marriage too, Dave said:

Over the years I have heard the importance of communicating, sharing non-sexual intimacy, supporting each other, etc., etc., but have rarely heard women openly say that sex is what bonds them to men. How about the more experienced couples (I don't want to say "older") - would most women who have been married 10, 20 years or more agree that sex is still the bonding element ? I believe it is, but do they ?

I think "ideally" is the operative word. Unfortunately, when it comes to sex and orgasm, the situation for women is far from ideal.

Orgasm can be problematic for women for several reasons. While this doesn't hold true for everyone, and I think our culture might be changing, many times:

Women are taught that sex is dirty or bad.

Women are not taught to get in touch with our bodies to learn what feels good, and what good sex should feel like.

Women are not taught to ask for what we want, in bed or out of it.

Pornography, as well as our soft-porn entertainment industry, portrays men and women as always sexually ready and available. Men can be really surprised, frustrated and bored  when a woman needs a lot of foreplay. I mean, we may be talking 20 or 30 minutes. How many men are, ahem, up for that?

Men get angry, annoyed, put off or insecure if women ask them to change what they're doing during sex, because  it makes them feel criticized.

Neither men nor women are taught anything about making love. We blunder through it at first, and often pick up bad habits.

Once a man and a woman become regular sex partners, it's not as *exciting*. So, the woman may actually need more foreplay or to be approached more slowly, while the man may feel he doesn't have to seduce her any longer.

As a man gets older, his erections may be less strong or less reliable. Our culture unfortunately expects men to be always ready sexually, so they feel shame if they don't get an erection right away. Instead of focusing on his partner and letting it happen or not, the man starts to focus more and more on his penis, making sex less and less pleasing for his partner.

So, a couple may start off with some bad sexual habits: He rushes things, she doesn't demand that he slow down, etc. Then,  after 10 or 15 years, when his testosterone dies down, sex begins to seem kind of pointless to her and she puts him off more and more.

They hopefully still will bond through sleeping together, hugging and other less sexual kinds of touching. We hear about couples who have sex into their 70s and 80s. I suspect they're the lucky minority.

Comments

[Christopher Diggins]

Hello
I am a psychotherapist who specializes in helping couples and individuals increase emotional and sexual intimacy. I have discovered there is not really sexual intimacy without the emotional connection. Limbic resonance is necessary in order to be close and to enjoy the sexual experience with another. Limbic resonance is when each experiences that the other holds him or her in their heart and mind.

During sex most people close their eyes or "do it" in the dark where they don't look into each others eyes. They are focused on their own sensations rather than on the connection and experiencing the limbic resonance. As a result there would not be the benefit of the oxytocin. I believe oxytocin is generated when there is the limbic resonance, and with the oxytocin there is more limbic resonance. They fuel each other. And when someone is focused on giving pleasure like with foreplay the emphasis is not on connection.

With sensation sex there are endorphins or maybe other neurotransmitters but I don't think oxytocin comes into play. The connection has to be the focus and in my personal experience that is the most satisfying sex possible and orgasm is unnecessary. Sex does not have to involve foreplay and orgasm to be satisfying.

Most couples approach sex in the same way every time- foreplay, intercourse (or oral sex), and orgasm. This routine gets boring after a while. With the limbic connection there is no boredom.When the oxytocin is happening we are in bliss. Orgasm can put an end to that and can hinder closeness, especially if it is the goal. The focus should be to be in the connection not get to the goal of orgasm.

We do not get bored when we are experiencing the depth of the others core feelings and heart.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

I love what you say, Christopher -- and I'm really glad that you're helping couples understand that sex really is designed to help us bond, not to get us off.

I think it's very difficult for a lot of us to achieve limbic resonance, during sex or not. We're supposed to enter the world in a state of limbic resonance with our mothers during natural childbirth, and learn from her how to fall into that state with other people. Instead, we get a clinical hospital birth and two months' maternity leave.

The kind of lovemaking you describe sounds a lot like tantra to me. I find that a lot of traditional spiritual practices make perfect sense in terms of what neuroscience now knows.

[Waqqas]

Has anyone tried to study what sort of sexual habits develop in people if they are not exposed to any outside influences?

Traditional practices make sense in terms of neuroscience, but 'freedom' (letting people find their own way) causes people to degrade in terms of sexual practices. Does this mean that people would naturally develop unhealthy notions of sex if not controlled by tradition?

[Susan Kuchinskas]

How interesting. Do we know that freedom causes people to degrade?

It might be impossible to ever find people not exposed to outside influences -- except for those feral children who are severely damaged.

What about Margaret Mead's somewhat debunked book about sex and love in Polynesia? Supposedly they had little restrictions about sexual practice and had very healthy relationships. Tell us more about what you're thinking.

[Christopher Diggins]

Susan
Our book (co-author, Laurel Vogel), the manuscript was just sent to BookSurge today for publication. This book, In A Cradle Of Words: Intimate Encounters In Relational Therapy is Laurel's story about her pain and troubled life and how we used limbic resonance and oxytocin to heal her pain, my pain, and our relationship. We did it by doing "therapy" with each other and by little moment to moment interactions.

Laurel and I were both able to go to very deep intimate places with each other. I am 56 yrs old and I have struggled with relationships my whole life and finally I have found a partner who can help me and allow me to help her create the oxytocin. We do it with appreciation and with anger and with pain.

I am looking forward to sending you a copy so you can review.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

can't wait to see the book!