The Nesting Instinct

In a comment, Dave asked me whether I'd found any evidence that doing organizing tasks like cleaning up the house or putting things away can cause an oxytocin release in women.

As he added, it sounds like something a lazy husband wishes were true. (And thanks for acknowledging that, Dave!)

First, let me say emphatically, "No!" I have found no evidence or inklings of this.

Now, let me say, "Er, ummmm .... well ... "

I think I might experience this. I got interested in the oxytocin response because it seemed to explain my own late-blooming ability to love. After many many years of not being able to connect, I seemed to develop this ability over the course of a few years. One huge thing that helped me change, I think, was being called on to assume care of a friend who was very sick and incapacitated. After that, I was able to buy a house and I withdrew from the world a bit.

After being a renter for years and years, I suddenly had my own home. I planted a garden, scrubbed, fixed up. I was working at home as a freelance writer, and I stopped dating, didn't socialize that much. I believe that the couple of years spent truly making a home for myself changed me deeply, and did open me up to love.

And the sick thing is that, as much as I put it off, I do get satisfaction from picking up and cleaning up the house.

Kerstin Uvnas Moberg, in her excellent book, The Oxytocin Factor, talks about the way being in beautiful and soothing surroundings can activate oxytocin's calming effects. And it's well-known that mammals won't go into labor unless they're in a quiet, safe place. (Oxytocin induces the contractions that move the fetus down the birth canal.)

It's certainly possible that a female's (human or not) physiology evolved over time to release oxytocin during a variety of nesting activities.

But guys, that doesn't mean you shouldn't help out, okay? You release oxytocin, too, in response to circumstances. So get on those dishes.

Comments

[Renee]

"The Oxytocin Factor, talks about the way being in beautiful and soothing surroundings can activate oxytocin's calming effects."

If husbands made the bed more often, they would have better chances of marital relations. There are some rooms of the home, that with children, will never be clean. There will always be dishes in the sink, laundry to be folded, and a toy placed in the wrong place. The bedroom though should be off limits to these distractions. No computer, no tv, and even no food probably could do wonders for a marriage. .

[Susan Kuchinskas]

I totally agree with you, Renee! My partner always jokes that I'm more affectionate after he cleans up. It's totally true. Men should show their commitment to the "nest" by contributing to its maintenance -- every day, not just by mowing the lawn once in a while.

[midyeardave]

I think the key is this: understanding exactly what makes you feel bonded and loving toward your partner, and directly communicating that to your partner. Don't assume he/she knows. This may take some soul-searching as the traditional and acccepted norms may not apply to everyone. But one thing for sure: if you do not know what helps you feel loving toward your partner, he/she won't know either. And, of course, it goes both ways. Yes, in general, men probably need to do more around the house to show their partner they care. But, I also pose this question: when did she last spend some serious thought on what she can do to show him that she cares ? It goes both ways.