How to Sell Yourself

My father was in sales all his life. He's always genuinely liked other people. Now an old codger, it can take forever to go grocery shopping because he talks to everyone. Everyone.

When I go to Trader Joe's, I am a crabby Type-A shopper. "Get out of my way, people, so I can get to those frozen blueberries and get out of here." Not my dad. He reaches out -- literally -- to everyone. And they respond.

I didn't know how it would be to take a slow, forgetful guy in a wheelchair who has a tendency to stop the chair in the middle of the aisle into this scene of avid consumption. Everyone was sweet and accommodating, kindly standing back so he could maneuver, beaming at him as he blundered into things. They stopped to chat with him, often putting a hand on his shoulder or giving him a little pat.

He was so high afterwards. He can't get out much unless I take him, and this trip was the highlight of his week.

In other words, he's a people person. And this high was that highly rewarding combination of dopamine and oxytocin that our brains release during positive social interaction. His oxytocin response is in great shape, even if his legs aren't.

He and I were talking about an interaction he had with the guy who drives the shuttle from the assisted living facility to the hospital, where my mom has been for the past two weeks. This driver was being extra helpful in making sure my dad could get to the hospital.

My father told me how he had chatted up the driver, asking about his family, his job ... getting to know him.

Then he said, "The feeling was real. But at the same time, I was getting him to do what I wanted."

This, in a nutshell, is the essence of sales. There's an oxytocin product you can buy on the internet that supposedly makes people trust you more. You spray it on yourself, they inhale it, the pitch goes, and they're more likely to do what you want. (It's very unlikely this would work: Oxytocin breaks down very quickly, and there wouldn't be enough to get into the other person's nasovomeral organ.)

Some people have expressed fear that oxytocin could be used to make others do things they don't want to, and I always point out that salespeople have been doing this for aeons. My father's story, and his very interesting awareness of how this works, illustrates how the best salespeople create a true connection with others before they start to sell.

Is this manipulative? No, it's human nature.

Comments

[theresa]

glad i peeked at your blog. i clearly remember your dad and mom like it was yesterday. also glad to read that your book will come out in may. perhaps i'll catch you at a signing or in sf.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

Hi, Theresa! Yes, those high school days do remain vivid. Thanks for checking out the blog.

My book is now not coming out until spring 2009 -- I switched publishers.

[midyeardave]

I have had a neurologists tell me that when certain neuropeptides are released in the brain, they cause feelings of acceptance, infatuation, bonding, and what many people might call love. I wonder - is this the "magnetic" part of people with magnetic personalities ? Do they facilitate the release of these neuropeptides in others ? Some people light up a room simply by walking in - is that because they radiate something that releases neuropeptides in everyone around them ?

I have heard that you can develop the ability to cause these neuropeptides to be released in someone else. You can think good things about someone else in their presence, such as sincerely admiring one or more of their good qualities, and this will cause neuropeptides (maybe oxytocin ?) to release in you, and the other person may sense that and the same neuropeptides will release in them. Is this what we call "chemistry" between two people ? Does your research support any of these ideas ?

[Susan Kuchinskas]

Yes! This is exactly what I'm talking about. And it's a skill people have always known about and understood, without the peptides part.

I think the tactic you describe, sincerely admiring someone else's qualities, is an excellent way to provoke an oxytocin release in oneself and then, hopefully, in the other person.

I think the chemical mix is oxytocin and dopamine, the neurochemical of reward and attention.