Generation Alienation Is a World-Wide Problem

It's easy for those of us living in the dysfunctional United States to blame our indigenous culture on the growing crisis in attachment. But this story from the Bay of Plenty Times in New Zealand shows that country is experiencing a similar attachment crisis.

Writer Elaine Fisher quotes psychotherapist Augustina Driessen, who predicts that child abuse will worsen in New Zealand as kids who have been neglected, abused or ignored grow up to become parents themselves. Driessen says,

  "To break the cycle we must teach many parents how to parent, to stop them bringing up their children as they were brought up.

  "It is a privilege to have children. In extreme cases, some parents should never be allowed to have children again."

I agree. In modern society, having children shouldn't be considered a human right. It should be a privilege reserved for those who can prove they can provide for a child's emotional needs, as well as the most basic physical needs, that is, enough to eat and secure shelter.

For more on this, see "A Generation in Pain."

Comments

[zoot]

Oh. My. God.

That's the first time I've seen in print something I've long advocated; that parenting is a privilege, not a right.

Sadly, it is so easy to create a child and so hard to raise it. More sadly, unless we change to that point of view we'll never be able to control our population.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

You and I are far from alone in this thinking. But it's heretical and offensive to say it. We accept that you need to prove you're capable of driving a car but nurturing a life is different.

The "authorities" sometimes intervene when parents refuse medical treatment, and even, sometimes, when they abuse their kids. But not when they don't provide the stimulation, nurturing and support that's vital for growth of the brain structures that handle empathy and caring.

Aside from over-population, I'm afraid we're raising generations of people who are incapable of sharing, cooperating and loving.

[Emily]

The only problem with restricting the privilege of having and raising children is that all it takes is one bad apple in the government to create problems for large groups of "unsavory" people. What if suddenly it were considered extreme and undesirable to raise your children in a particular faith? Parents who are active members of one religion may be prevented by the government from having more children.

It's too easy for something like this to go too far. It's nice to think about people who can't handle kids to give up being parents, but the reality is far too frightening.

[Renee A.]

I agree with you, but I realize I could be negatively labeled more then a bit of a prude, if we get back to the old world tradition and equating responsible procreative behavior to marriage. As a teenager I was taught how to be safe in every way but we need to teach children 'what marriage is'.

The pastor of my church always says, if a child sees his mother and father in love with one another, no matter what the child will be ok. I see a lot of baby mama drama where I live, and it is a great feeling to see a young mom and dad get pass their juvenile petty games and start thinking about their relationship in terms of being a family. It's hard to show proof if one is ready to become a parent, but we can exemplify what a strong and stable family looks like and supports those who need help.

It isn't saying you must parent and be a family just like us, but couples in strong marriages need to speak out and talk about what works for them. People want to love, and try to love, they just don't how to love in terms of being a family. I know I didn't growing up.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

I agree with you, Emily. We humans have proven ourselves all too willing to use law to oppress others. So, laws requiring parents to prove they have the emotional and physical means to care for a child could be used to unfairly deny people the privilege.

On the other hand, the system today allows anyone to have a baby and throw him in a dumpster, or to raise her in a crack house, to keep her locked in a closet, or simply yell at him constantly and deny physical affection.

Do you have any suggestions?

Renee, as a child of the early 70s, I for a long time believed that marriage was just a piece of paper, that there were many ways of loving. I find myself feeling weirdly conservative these days, because after researching how parenting affects brain development, and how sex affects our emotions directly via neurochemicals, I think it's not such a great idea to be sexually active with a lot of people, nor to have children outside of a stable family group.

I like what you say, Renee, "It isn't saying you must parent and be a family like us." I think that intentional single parents and gay couples can parent as successfully as traditional couples -- if they have community and family support.

With all the discussion about who should be allowed to marry, I'd like to see us redefine marriage as more than a ceremony or a piece of paper. I like your idea that marriage could be seen as proof of the mature and stable relationship necessary to rear a healthy child.

In the old world, people married with the permission and support of their parents -- and sometimes at their sole direction. We certainly can't go back to that. But learning about responsibility and commitment starts with the parents and extends to teachers and the community.

Maybe two people should have to obtain approval of their community for marriage -- whatever that spiritual or secular community consists of.

Of course, we'd quickly get back to the permissive,laissez faire state our society is in: Well, who am I to say someone else can't have a child?

This is beautiful: "couples in strong marriages need to speak out and talk about what works for them. People want to love, and try to love, they just don't how to love in terms of being a family."

Too often, I feel, that message comes with a rejecting, punitive tone, that if you're not like us, you're wrong, bad, a sinner.

[Renee A.]

Wthe pastor ask my husband and I to talk about our marriage at their pre-marriage classes. Many people think couples have to 'prove' themselves worthy of being marriage to the Catholic Church (the priest), which really isn't the case. I hate the "License to Wed' movie. The priest isn't God. Engaged couples are really nervous during the weekend, but all of their paperwork is shared between the two of them, not the priest and not with the married couples. We do educate what the Bible says about marriage, along with just talking about what works in our marriage.

Why can't in middle school sex education bring in couples from the community talk about being married newlyweds, at tens years, at twenty, and even at fifty years of marriage. The good majority of our lives is having sex with the same person and raising children. No one thinks on their wedding day, they will go through a divorce. No one who has a child or adopts, thinks I want this kid to hate me and spend countless hours in therapy.

Who knew one of the keys to a good sex life, was knowing a polite escape plan when you have enough of the in-laws during the holidays. (Really, not sexy, I know.) My husband and I actually visit relatives with two cars, so when one has had enough the other can leave. For us it works. Less fighting, more bonding.

When I explain the basis of Natural Family Planning to my friends, usually they ask why isn't this being taught to us in school? Toni Weshcler from Taking Charge of Your Fertility, wrote a whole book for teen girls called Cycle Savvy. What is even more amazing later on in life is husbands getting to understand their wives bodies better.

Even though I believe in chasity as a goal, I don't like how we can present the true virture of chasity in the typical abstenience programs. Chasity rings/ceremonies really wierd me out. We can't ignore sex. If teach about sexuality in a context, that is to promote authetic human bonding, I think young adults and also older ones are going to make wiser decisions.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

I think the kinds of education you suggest would be really great, as long as they were inclusive and didn't present heterosexual marriage as the only way.

I especially think it's important to, as you say, help kids understand the difference between romance and committed love. I've written several times about our culture's focus on romantic love, which makes people think that when their relationship moves to the next stage, they're "not in love anymore" so they should move on.

[Renee A.]

One of the passages I found on a marital website (Catholic) regarding marriage is people have an 'Awakening', that marriage isn't about happily ever after, but have challenges in the real world.

http://www.retrouvaille.org/pages.php?page=1

"Most people whose marriages end in divorce are not bad people. Rather, they are often people who never learned the proper tools for a happy marriage. This is where Retrouvaille (pronounced re-tro-vi with a long i.) can help. Teams of couples who have experienced all 4 Stages of Marriage present the Retrouvaille program. Instead of giving up they found solutions. In Retrouvaille they learned the tools they needed to live a happy marriage. They learned that marriage does not follow the Romance and Happily Ever After formula portrayed in literature and media. Rather, they learn that there are certain learnable skills, attitudes and tools that they can use to deal with the inevitable problems of the real world."

As we all know life isn't Pleasantville, on the other hand it doesn't mean we should just be out for ourselves. Families and friendships bonds are the way we cope and deal with the unexpected in life, whether it is the uncontrollable like illness or when someone disappoints us. In sex education, they should talk about problem solving as a family unit.

"Awakening" needs to be taught at an early age, not when two adults are on the verge of divorce. People don't know how to cope when someone loses a job or if their parent needs assisted living, society says if you're not happy get a divorce, but divorce doesn't solve the problem.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

"Awakening" needs to be taught at an early age, not when two adults are on the verge of divorce." I really agree about teaching relationship skills early.

In thinking about our conversation here, I thought back -- for the umpteenth time -- about my own life. My parents didn't have a happy marriage, so I grew up not wanting to get married and looking for alternatives. As I became an independent adult, I naturally gravitated to other people like me. It wasn't until I was in my late 30s that I understood what a positive thing a mate was.

In our dysfunctional society, we can't let parents be the only models for being a person.