Oxytocin, Dating and Marriage

Love has an image problem in Western culture. When we say "love," we're usually thinking of passion, romance, the excitement of a new love affair. In a couple years, when that thrill is gone, we say, "I don't know what happened. I just don't love you any more."

But there's love, love, love and love -- and probably a few more flavors besides. "True love," I believe, is the oxytocin bond. It's that bond that begins when we begin to trust someone enough to touch them and let them touch us. It deepens when we have sex, and it's what carries the relationship through after the passionate fire becomes embers.

Western society, with its emphasis on sexuality and its phobia about non-sexual touching, is becoming an oxytocin-poor society. Anesthetized babies are ripped out of the wombs of their knocked-out mothers, depriving both of them of the oxytocin-bathed experience that should set the tone for their expectations from others. Overworked mothers and fathers often can't give babies and kids the nurturing and attention they need, while TV, computers and cell phones take the place of face-to-face interaction.

As a result, kids reach adolescence with an impaired ability to trust and bond at the same time that their raging hormones are pushing them to connect sexually. Pop culture tells them hot sex equals love. They may marry for sex or because they're madly in love, but not be equipped to move to the next stage: deeply bonded love.

In response to a friend's question, in my book I wrote briefly that you don't need to go through the romantic stage to find true love. In the blog al-'Azel min Nasij al-Nabat, Taufik makes the same case to Muslim couples who may be adopting Western-style dating.

According to Taufik, more secular Muslims may feel they really need to date to get to know someone; arranged marriages, they think, are for religious conservatives, the kind whose women wear purdah. But these people are too focused on the dopamine-rush of romance.

Taufik provides a glossary of neuroscience terms; I wish there were one for the non-English words, as well. Dating baru kahwin, I think, means Western-style dating (maybe with sex before marriage?), while kahwin baru dating, I believe, refers to an arranged relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Taufik writes:

It is pretty clear now that dating baru kahwin doesn't come even close to ensure a happily-ever-after relationship. Ironically, those 'extreme 'alim people' are the ones who understand real love and real life, not those Casanovas. Do note that I am not saying if you kahwin baru dating then your marriage will last forever, but if you dating baru kahwin then you are doom to failure. I am simply pointing out that romantic passion has nothing to do about spotting the 'right person' in your life. It is also true that incompatibility may happen between two persons, like there is just no chemistry between the two of you. The point is, you don't need to go on countless hang outs to spot that. You don't need to overload your neuropathways with excessive dopamine to find the supposedly elusive chemistry. It is common sense: You sit down and talk with a person for 15 minutes and you'll know whether you can get along with that person or not. I am talking in general, meaning even with a stranger who you want to make him as your friend, not just your life partner.

The post is a very interesting look at how the romance cult is playing out in a different culture.

See also Romance, Love and Depression and Love Me Like a Vole.

Comments

[Malay writer]

baru = new
kahwin = marry, marriage

But sometimes "baru" (as Taufik writes) does not mean "new"; it means "after" or "then"

In his phrase, he means "young Muslim couples prefer dating before marriage" and he (as an Islamist, I believe) does not agree with such practice.

To him, perhaps, you should get married first, then (baru) you go for a date.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

ah, thanks for the clarification. That's what I thought he meant, but it's good to know.

[Taufik]

Right on the spot Malay writer.

You said, "it seems that the over-emphasis on romance is pervading other cultures -- to their detriment."

I can't agree more. One is asked to be prepared for the oxytocin-based 'deeply-bonded love' first (marriage), only then one can taste the pleasure of the short-term, dopamine-rush based, 'madly in love.' It makes a lot of sense to me.

We are also asked to be prepared for the after-life first, only then we can taste the pleasure of this worldly life within limits. The over-emphasis on materialistic, wordly life is detrimental in many ways too. You may not agree with me on this matter, but that is ok.

You have a nice site, I like it a lot. Keep on campaigning for oxytocin.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

I definitely agree with you about the over-emphasis on the material. It seems that the cushier our human lives become, the easier it is to get away from what's healthy and good for us.

Thanks for stopping by and for the kind words about the site!

[gummo925]

I am reading a lot of articles that Oxytocin is found in high amounts in persons that suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and things like post partum problems.

Why then would would we want to use OXY at all? Wouldnt it be horrible in a relationship breakup for example?

[Susan Kuchinskas]

I haven't seen any articles like that and would love some pointers.

However, it's not as simple as, more oxytocin equals happier/more connected. Sue Carter, one of the foremost oxytocin researchers, has found that in some situations, when prairie voles are stressed by isolation, oxytocin levels rise. It may be that heightened oxytocin levels are meant to drive the organism to find connection that will then lower stress.

nevertheless, in the breakup situation, either exogenously administered oxytocin or naturally released oxytocin could reduce the stress and pain of the breakup. We need to connect with many people, not just one lover.