Oxytocin: The Book

It may seem almost unbelievable, but a single hormone called oxytocin is responsible for life's most fulfilling emotions: love, trust and commitment.

Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that helps regulate many of the body's functions, including hunger, thirst and blood pressure. But it plays a special role in bonding with other people. When we're touched by someone we trust, when we make love and orgasm, when we simply spend time with someone we like, our brains release pulses of oxytocin that make us feel deep bonds with that person.

But we're not born with this response. Our newborn bodies enter the world knowing how to breathe, how to digest food, how to pump blood. But they don't know how to love.

The most profound human experience there is must be learned after we're born.

The brain begins to learn the oxytocin response during labor, when oxytocin stimulates the mother's uterus to contract. At the same time, it floods mother's and baby's bloodstreams, priming their bodies for their first experience of connection.

If the baby is breastfed, the same oxytocin that lets down the milk increases the feelings of safety, trust and love. Every time the baby is touched, held and nursed by its mother -- or another primary caregiver -- its brain learns to release its own oxytocin pulses, soothing the system and deepening the love.

But many things can interfere with the development of the oxytocin response. If the nursing mother is anxious, angry or afraid, her brain will release fight-or-flight neurochemicals, teaching her baby's body that being close to someone is frightening. Abuse, harshness, neglect and indifference all take their toll on the brain's ability to release oxytocin.

When we grow up without learning the oxytocin response, we can't truly bond with others. Other people are speaking a secret chemical language that we can't hear. Our relationships may get stuck at romance and sex, then fall apart when the excitement dwindles. Friendships may be filled with hurt feelings and anger. We can only feel bonded with people who hurt us or reject us. We wander through life feeling deeply alone. Our "hearts" -- the body's loving responses -- are truly broken.

But there's one more amazing thing to know about the oxytocin response: Our brains can learn it at any age. It's never too late to heal these broken hearts.

The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You FInd Trust, Intimacy and Love, to be published by New Harbinger in spring 2009, will show you how to birth and nurture your children and heal yourself, so you can give and get the love you need.

Read all about oxytocin in my blog, Hug the Monkey.

Sign up for more information about Love Chemistry via email.

Comments

[Tele]

where can I buy real Oxytocin or the spray?

[Tele]

Where can I buy Oxytocin or the spray?

[Susan Kuchinskas]

There are two commercial products, Liquid Trust and OxyCalm, both available over the web. I've interviewed the heads of both companies; you can read the interviews and make your own decision about whether you want to purchase.

Liquid Trust interview: http://www.hugthemonkey.com/2006/08/interview_with_.html

OxyCalm interview:
http://www.hugthemonkey.com/2006/08/interview_oxyca.html

[april herr]

Hi Susan i attend Hilbert College of Hamburd New York and i wanted to know when you are going to have "love chemisrty' in store. I cant wait to read it!.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

Thanks, April, for the encouragement. My publisher is dragging its feet. I still hope to have it out in May 2008. Keeping my fingers crossed at this point!

[Byron Laursen]

Hello Susan. I talked with you at the Nov. 27th conference at Claremont Graduate University, "Forgiveness, Generosity and sacrifice," where Mick McCullough and Paul Zak both spoke. I want to add my name to the list of people who are eager to see your book come out a.s.a.p. Although I'm not an expert, it was very apparent to me that you've been doing very active and deep study. Great blog, too.

Byron Laursen

[Susan Kuchinskas]

Thanks, Byron. I am really impressed with you and your wife's list of books, and it was fun talking to you at the conf!

[Ginger]

Susan,
I never heard of Oxytocin till today. It all explains sooooooo much!
My husband cannot remember his mother EVER showing him affection even as a small child. Now I think their whole family must have a serious lack of oxytocin!!
No wonder I can't get him to show me affection. When we first got married, I thought I was affectionate enough for both of us...turns out it doesn't work that way. Maybe I need less of this chemical so that I don't feel the need for affection & bonding so much?
What can I do? How do I deal with this?

[Susan Kuchinskas]

Ginger, I felt exactly the same way when I first found out about oxytocin. That's why I wrote the book.

No, no no you should not try to have less oxytocin so you don't need affection and connection. We ALL need it; our physical health as well as our emotional health depend on oxytocin, and, therefore, on connection with others.

Your husband CAN rebuild a healthy oxytocin response. They key is in having a series of safe experiences that create the amount of connection and oxytocin that he can tolerate. If I may plug my book here, it explains how this process happens in the brain, and the kinds of things that need to happen in therapy and out of it to retrain the oxytocin response.

It is very hard to be with a mate who can't give you the connection you crave. Our biology was "designed" so that our mates would be our primary source of oxytocin, along with our children. You can also find connection with other members of your own family, such as siblings or parents, as well as with close friends, especially women friends. If you've let some friendships drop since you got married, it's time to reconnect or make new friends who can give you the affection and bonding you need.

[Haya]

Hi Suzan,

I came across your site as I was researching the relationship between motherly love and intelligence. From random observation it seemed to me that those with 'cold' mothers, were quite frozen in their general comportment often lacking empathy with people, unable to express their emotions and unable to read social cues.

This lack of responsiveness made them quite slow and unable to stay alert in the moment. I had read about oxytocin before and found your site very enlightening. I was wondering if the level of oxytocin is originally higher in some people versus others or if this the low levels are a result of harsh treatment. I am very curious to see if pitocin can truly make one more emotional, generous and heal all the lack of affection. That would truly be life changing for many people.

Great work anyhow..can't wait to read the book!

Good luck,
Haya

[Susan Kuchinskas]

Thanks for the kind words, Haya. I believe research is tending to show that a person's oxytocin response begins to be shaped in the womb, is strongly influenced by the birth experience, and then is shaped in the first three years of life. But it also seems pretty clear that, because the brain changes throughout our lives, the oxytocin response can be healed, as well. And we can do it consciously by choosing some experiences.

It's important to note that it's not some basic level of oxytocin that matters. It seems to be the release of very small amounts in the brain in response to external stimuli that allows us to open up, trust and love. This release is what I call the oxytocin response.

[amy]

Have you ever heard that Oxytocin can help breast enlargement? I know there is people claiming their breast enlargement cream contains Oxytocin and guarantee result. Thanks

[Susan Kuchinskas]

There is absolutely no way oxytocin could enlarge your breasts.

[trish]

Where can this spray be purchased. No one has heard of i