Orgasms Good or Bad for Marriage?

I'm still intrigued about Marnia Robinson's theories about the neurochemistry of marriage. After reading more on her blog, Reuniting, however, I'm not sure I buy her basic premise.

Robinson advocates that couples should make love without orgasm for a period in order to break a cycle of neurochemical peaks and valleys. She says hot sex produces dopamine rushes followed by a sense of depletion as dopamine levels return to normal. At the same time, a normal rise in the level of prolactin turns the attention away from sex. 

Robinson says that this feeling of depletion can be projected onto the sex partner and experienced as the desire to withdraw and find a new partner.

... dopamine drives you to have sex over most other activities. With dopamine as the driving force, biology has designed you to engage in fertilization behavior to make more babies, and urges you to move on to new partners to create greater genetic variety among your offspring. Your primitive brain accomplishes these goals of more progeny and promiscuity by manipulating your brain chemistry, and thus your desires and thoughts. High levels of dopamine increase sexual desire, encouraging you to behave recklessly.

However, humans are among the estimated 3 percent of mammals whose brains are hard-wired for monogamy. Unlike most mammals, our reward centers are also rich in oxytocin receptors. When we make love, and especially when we orgasm, the release of oxytocin stimulates the reward center to not only associate sex with pleasure, but also to associate that specific other with the source of that pleasure, creating the bond we call "true love."

High levels of oxytocin along with that addictive dopamine associated with sex cause us to behave monogamously.

There seems to be another flaw in Robinson's argument: She says couples should focus their lovemaking on activities that increase oxytocin levels, rather than those that increase dopamine levels; therefore, no orgasms. But orgasm itself floods the body with oxytocin.

I think the idea of working to understand and improve relationships on the neurochemical level is brilliant, and I have no doubt Robinson's system can improve lovers' union. But I think her explanations of the science behind her ideas is off.

Comments

[Graham Mason]

I dont think you read the book very thoroughly.

Robinson in no ways denies that orgasm floods the body with lovely Oxytocin as well as Dopamine. Scientific studies show that the effect of Dopamine is similar to addictive drugs like heroin.

So her premise is that the effect of the Oxytocin is to keep us happy through the withdrawal periods for a while. Then after a few years when we get less affectionate we start getting annoyed about our partner.

Interesting that you think our brains are "hard wired for monogamy". Where did you get that from? So many studies of the amount of promiscuity in modern marriage suggest that the wiring circuits have broken down. Modern DNA evidence has revealed some embarassing statistics about how often who we thought was our genetic great grandfather is not.

Yes, I have doubts that the way she presents her ideas as the silver bullet for relationship problems but she has some really well thought out ideas.

Her web site is open for all to post comments. You might get some better clarity if posted you misgivings there as what I read above is a very bad interpretation.

[Susan Kuchinskas]

I have to confess that I have not read her book at all, as I no doubt should. My comments are in response to her blog postings.

Re hard-wired for monogamy, this would be social monogamy, living with (and having sex with) a mate in a family group and cooperating in child-rearing. You are correct about what biologists delicately call "extra-pair copulation." Even in the poster-rodent prairie voles, Larry Young has found a high proportion of males that never mate, as well as a lot of casual copulation with those roaming males by mated females.

Still, based on the blog post in question, I do think her science is off.